We are live and we have some BREAKING NEWS; we have just received reports from several traumatised citizens who have claimed that they have spotted a young woman wearing what can only be described as far from appropriate clothing in Newcastle city centre. Of course we have our man-on-the-ground reporting the case and from what we can tell from our witnesses so far – who are understandably still incredibly shaken – the claims appears to be (regrettably) true!
“I am here right where today’s horror happened and well, it is a city in SHOCK!”
This comes not so long after a marginally attractive girl of around twenty years old was seen parading around in public spaces with both her lower thighs and her midriff on show last week. [Video link to the key witness in the investigation] “I saw it with my own eyes, it’s just not something that you’d expect to happen near you. Quite frankly I’m shocked!” Reports still indicate that no children were exposed to last weeks display, and for that, I’m sure all of us can have some peace of mind!
*Shuffles paper* Today, the question has been raised to local authorities and the University on how these anonymous offenders have managed to steer towards such an inappropriate course of action – was there more they could have done or were these girls not in sane mind? The poor decisions of these girls in particular have been linked to at least three reported car-crashes in the local area, around a dozen local businesses shutting down due to distracted staff, and several drunk men in bars going home alone and unsatisfied. Where will it end?! For answers, we will now be going live to our man on the ground: for those of a sensitive disposition, the following may contain possible belly-button piercings and exposed calves!
“Thank you, Steve. I am here right where today’s horror happened and well, it is a city in SHOCK! As you can see, the street and local vicinity has been cordoned off and the press are pulling together to talk to as many witnesses as possible. To our knowledge, the offender is still at large but we are of course on high alert. Most worrying of all, early reports suggest that the offender showed no sign of shame and appeared to be genuinely convinced that her short skirt and ‘crop-top’ were really acceptable forms of outdoor clothing. Well, this community begs to differ quite clearly. Back to the studio.”
“How would a man feel about this?”
“Well, today’s events can only but highlight today’s questionable moral climate where women under the delusion that decisions regarding their own bodies are to be made by them and them alone, but this way of thinking can be extremely damaging. It is of course, important for women to stop and think before they act, and ask themselves the question: how would a man feel about this? Research in the past decade have revealed how even an exposed collarbone can make a man in a workplace environment too aroused to concentrate on his very important job”.
Deeply concerning, indeed! Today’s events have left a city grinding to a halt. How much more can the public take? It would seem that the rip-jean-effect-short-shorts that will break the camels back is fast approaching, and it smells like gender equality.
Last modified: 2nd November 2015