If Newcastle University accommodations were characters from TV, who would they be?

Alex Walker discusses his picks for TV characters as Newcastle University student halls

Alex Walker
8th October 2020
One of the great things about Newcastle is the fact that all our different halls have so much personality. They feel different, and if I were sentimental, I’d even say they have souls.

I could use my platform to make some profound observation about human nature, our inherent kindness and the glorious beauty we can find in minutia, but instead, the Courier editors have told me to work out which characters from television they’d be in real life. And people say news media is in decline…

Castle Leazes - Frank Gallagher, Shameless (UK)

Leazes is just like dear old Frank, there’s some real good in it. Unfortunately, the glory days are long gone, and what’s left is ugly, and grim. Just as Frank is in desperate need of a good wash and a new coat, Leazes is in desperate need of a proper clean, and a new coat of paint. However, this wouldn’t fix either of them. There’s no solution, you can't fix either of them, and the same fate marches ever faster towards them both of them, an unmourned death, and an unremarkable demolition.

The residents of Leazes share Frank’s undeserved cocky pride, and intense love for their, frankly, terrible home

Credit: IMDb

But maybe I’m being too harsh. Leazes and Frank share a strange, punk-rock spirit, and a foulness that is intoxicating and strangely attractive in its own way. The residents of Leazes share Frank’s undeserved cocky pride, and intense love for their, frankly, terrible home (along with his perpetually inebriated state). The Chatsworth estate will be a much better place without Frank, and Newcastle will be a much better place without Leazes; however, when that day comes, the world will be a darker place. A better place, but darker all the same.

Park View - Rick Sanchez, Rick and Morty

Credit: IMDb

Park View is definitely the best accommodation, nobody is denying that, just like Rick is definitely the cleverest person in existence. Park View is the future as well, its design is simply superior to all the others. Double beds, en-suites, communal spaces, convenient for uni, it's simply the best, just as Rick is superior to all other beings in the universe.

But you know what, they’re both empty on the inside. There’s no honesty, no kindness, no hope. Just the same soulless, nihilist, meaningless uniformity that will one day cover the world. You might be the best, the summit of the mountain. But it’s pretty lonely at the top isn’t it?

Marris House - River Song, Doctor Who

Credit: BBC, IMDb

Genuinely can’t say a bad word about either River Song or Marris House. River’s a beautiful older lady, and Marris is a wonderful set of flats (both have had a fair bit of work done too, Marris’ £4 million refurbishment didn’t go to waste). Marris has double beds, which you know River would approve of (wink wink nudge nudge). They’re both just genuinely cool, and completely impossible to dislike. If I could turn back time, I’d choose Marris.

The View - That main dude from Ozark or something...

Credit: Netflix, IMDb

I’ve never seen Ozark, but I’m sure the people who have seen it like it, just as I’m sure The View is lovely. But it seems totally irrelevant, I’ve met about two people who live there, and they’re very nice, but the place might as well be in Manchester. It exists in a world totally apart from the rest of the uni. It’s totally forgettable. Also, I’m pretty sure Ozark is about business or something, and The View is near the business school, I think? Oh wait…is Ozark about the Mafia?

Windsor Terrace - David Brent, The Office (UK)

Both David Brent and Windsor Terrace think they’re different. The residents seem to think it's so cool, and that everyone loves it. Well you know what, it's not, and we don't. Yeah, it’s nearer to town, but that just means a longer walk from everyone else. It might be in Jesmond, but only just. And it might be closest to the Robbo, but the rooms are tiny, the single beds are uncomfortable, and the bathrooms are bare.

Credit: Adrian Rogers/BBC Two, IMDb

Just like Brent, the only thing remotely special about Windsor Terrace is that it is clearly sub-par

I'd like to also add, if you think Brent's song 'Don't make fun of the Disableds' was bad, you should see the wheelchair access at Windsor. Just like Brent, the only thing remotely special about Windsor Terrace is that it is clearly sub-par. And literally everyone knows that except the residents, who for some reason, think it’s great.

Featured image credit: Newcastle University Student's Union, Facebook. BBC, Netflix, IMDb.

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AUTHOR: Alex Walker
An English Literature student, who enjoys playing devils advocate. Interested in sharing my vacuous opinion on Film, TV, Music, Sports, and Political history. Find me on Facebook if you want write a piece together, or just want to tell me my articles are rubbish somewhere Zuckerberg can hear. Twitter, @TheAlexJLWalker

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