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Review: Artemis Fowl

Written by Film

As if 2020 couldn’t get any worse, Disney had to go and release Artemis Fowl. And boy was watching this a traumatic experience.

Firstly, the Irish government should prosecute the director Kenneth Branagh for war crimes because watching this film was an ethical battle of the highest order and something I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemies. This $150 million budget disaster is supposedly based on Eoin Colfer’s hit book series Artemis Fowl and followed the titular character, an apparent criminal mastermind, who must find his father after he is kidnapped. Oh, and there are a bunch of fairies and dwarves as well.

I wasn’t really into the books growing up myself, Percy Jackson was more my thing at the time, but I know how disrespectful this movie was to those who grew up with the series growing up. This film is an absolute train wreck that not even the conductor from The Polar Express (2004) could tokyo drift his way out of. The plot is a mess of half-baked world-building and nonsensical plot twists that riddled the movie with as many plot holes as there were holes in the movie Holes (2003).

The only good thing about this film is that it has a mercifully short run time of just over an hour and a half.

The acting is not great, but as with most kid-led films they tend to be hit or miss when it comes to the child actors’ performances. But that certainly doesn’t excuse the supporting cast which are adults that are meant to be some of the best in the industry. The worst offender is hot off a masterful performance in Cats (2019) with Dame Judie Dench playing the head of the fairy police force. For some reason, Dench decided to take inspiration off Christian Bale’s time as batman because she sounds in dire need of a lozenge. Dialogue in this movie is either boring and lifeless or wince-inducingly cringy. There is no in-between.

The only good thing about this film is that it has a mercifully short run time of just over an hour and a half. But I still long for that time back in my life. I could have had a bath, gone for a walk or watched an actual good movie like Toy Story (1995)

Artemis Fowl? More like Artemis Foul.

Rating: 1/5 stars

Last modified: 21st June 2020

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