Roast, Toast and Soapbox

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English Cuisine

English people. You’d think after colonizing 90 percent of the world for spices, Anglos would actually use them. English Cuisine is an absolute sodding disgrace. Beans on toast? Cold Sandwiches? Curry chips? Absolute dogshite. Anglos have taken cuisine from all over the world and bastardized it to suit their pallette. Not to mention the sodding sauces. Brown sauce? What the hell is brown sauce? It tastes like literal gunk! No goddamn flavour. English Mustard. Some sodding soldier got mustard gassed in world war 1 and decided it tasted good and that he should make a condiment out of it. It hurts to eat! What is wrong with this country? Somebody get me deported so I can get some real sodding food. Anglos eat like the Germans are still flying overhead.

PS. If you’re wondering about the rampant use of the word “sodding” in this article, it’s standing in for a much better ruder word

Muslim Taseer


Fake Tan Fanatics

From St Moriz to Fake Bake, there is no doubt that fake tan is fantastic. Who wouldn’t want to look like a bronzed goddess all the time? The addition has reached extremes with a whole shelf dedicated to looking like an Oompa Loompa. The weekly Thursday night ritual, the patchy orange hands, stained bed sheets and patchy elbows are all worth it to be sun-kissed all year round. That biscuit scent that engulfs the room after lathering yourself in several layers is undefeated. Although at times, I look more like a Dorito than an actual person. Love it or loathe it, the glow is here to stay.

Ruby Story Dartford


The End of Times

Eschatology, or the part of theology to do with the end of the world and the final judgement of humanity, is always the most exciting bit of religion. More concerning however is when the supposed signs of the end times line up with the state of the world we live in.

Hinduism’s Kali Yuga (translated roughly as ‘the age of strife and discord’) makes some striking predictions: The weather and climate will degrade (Extinction Rebellion, anyone?); The powerful will dominate the poor people – this has been going on for a while now; people will begin to migrate to countries where wheat is the staple food source (the increased migration into Europe?).

There are lists and lists in every religion of what constitutes signs of The End. I’m not here to say if they’re true or not. It’s fun to speculate about that, although not fun to live through the apocalypse.

Tom Leach

Last modified: 12th March 2020

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