In its latest campaign, the nation’s most divisive household condiment announced ‘The Marmite Gene Project’, an opportunity to discover whether you have the genetic capability to enjoy the savoury taste of the infamous black spread.
In an unnecessarily dramatic advert, we see a number of households having the news broken to them through an ominous letter popped through the letterbox. In a tense few scenes, each person is revealed to be a lover or a hater, before looking either crestfallen or euphoric.
Behind this brutal binary is a nifty bit of science. After an experiment involving 261 adults, 15 genetic markers were identified to indicate your Marmite taste preference. It’s these genetic traits that are packed into a clever little kit that can be delivered directly to your door.
You’re probably wondering what it is exactly that determines whether you love or hate Marmite. Well, it’s not up to one overarching bitterness receptor, in fact the study confirms that it’s got nothing to do with bitterness at all. Who even thought that Marmite tasted bitter? Sort yourselves out, the lot of you.
You could be officially branded a ‘hater’, even though you’ve loved Marmite ever since your Aunt Pam used to feed you Twiglets in that pokey-but-charming caravan in North Wales
“But is it worth my time?” I can hear you shout from the kitchen whilst you’re rustling yourself up some Johnty for breakfast. For three major reasons, it probably isn’t.
Firstly, both the study and an enthralling behind the scenes interview with the study lead, Dr Thomas Roos, implies that there are a number of environmental factors in the mixer alongside your 15 genetic markers.
Therefore, you could well be officially branded a ‘hater’, even though you’ve loved Marmite ever since your Aunt Pam used to feed you Twiglets in that pokey-but-charming caravan in North Wales.
Secondly, it costs a lot of money. Your bog-standard Marmite gene testing kit will set you back a weighty £90. From the vast array of reasons you could dip into your overdraft, learning whether you genetically love or hate Marmite shouldn’t be among them.
If you need a piece of paper to confirm or deny your love for Marmite in size 16 font, you need to leave the room
If it is, I’ll add you to the growing list of people who need to sit down and thoroughly sort themselves out. I’d much rather stay in the dark about my Marmite habits than part with the cash, which largely differs from the literal darkness I’m sitting in now because I can’t actually afford electricity.
The last reason not to buy this damned testing kit is because you can buy your own for £3 down any supermarket worth its salt. It’s called a pot of Marmite. Buy one, try it, then decide for yourself whether you’re a lover or a hater.
If you need a piece of paper to confirm or deny your love for Marmite in size 16 font, you need to leave the room. Please head outside to join the ever-growing queue of people waiting in line to sort themselves out. I can only hope that there aren’t too many of you.