A last Ode to Newcastle

Yes, another emotional one. Now the end is coming, Ruth Loeffler reflects on what is all good and proper in the city that just doesn’t compare with any other.

18th May 2017

Newcastle. hasn’t it been an absolute honour. I feel privileged to have spent the last 3 years wandering aimlessly through your streets... when I’ve gotten completely drunk and disorientated and just can’t seem to locate Bigg Market Chippy. It’s been an education, and I’m not just talking about learning (in very very completely-useless-for-any-other-purposes detail ) about Ancient Greece, or the American intelligence agencies - although that last one was pretty cool.

Even though I have the horrors of my dissertation results, another essay and a final, three hour exam, I wanted to take this opportunity to say in print; Newcastle you’ve been an education. Of course, the degree needs a mention. Coming here in first year with no inclination of just how damn hard it would be to get on all those exciting modules you thought you wanted. Newcastle, you defnitely taught me that it could be the most interesting subject, but the lecturer really makes ALL the difference. This is why you SHOULD have turned up to all those lectures in first year so you could gauge which one you want. Newcastle you also taught me that this would also bite you in the ass a couple of years later when it came to dissertations. Picking the right supervisor is also VERY important.

“You taught me that people can be opinionated, however this doesn’t mean they know much more than you”

Aside that this, Newcastle, you also taught me that people can be opinionated, however this doesn’t mean that they know much more than you. When you cut through all those long words, no one knows about politics. What a joy that the last three years have taught you this.

Now onto the good stuff, where Newcastle is like the Oxbridge of educators. Thank you for teaching me that in Geordieland it doesn’t matter one bit if you’re a shite dancer. No one has that awful over-the-shoulder thing that sixth formers had nailed back in Essex. Thank you for teaching me that as a general rule, the best clubs have the stickiest floor. This is probably due to their abundence of trebles. Thank you Newcastle for teaching me that in terms of trebls, blue stuff is always good. If not, cordial becomes your best friend to mask the taste of that dire paint stripper. Sinners will always deliver, and so will Digital if you make it past the steep entry fees. You take your home friends to either of these places, they’ll be convinced you live the absolute party-animal life. Newcastle, I also thank you for reverting these home friends everywhere into the drunken sweaty messes that you grew up with.

“Trainers are acceptable footwear for nights out. The best, in fact”

Newcastle, you’ve taught me that trainers are acceptable footwear for nights out. The best, in fact. You’ve also taught me that chokers make everything look more fancy. Buy a fair few before everyone gets sick of looking like Lindsay Lohan. Newcastle, you’ve taught me to pre hard. However, you’ve taught me that shots before the club ALWAYS ends badly, and ALWAYS hold onto the bannister down stairs. Sinners has caught me out quite enough times.

Newcastle, you’ve taught me that a dressing gown is the best present you will ever receive, closely followed by clean sheets and a roast dinner. Thanks for teaching me that every bad story is a bad anecdote. Nowhere is this more true than when it comes to sex. Newcastle, you’ve taught me to cook... or at least feed myself. I’ve learnt that boys’ food will always look better because they have huge portions and are predominantly beige. However, you will gain a stone if you eat like that. If I’m really honest, Newcastle you’ve taught me that I could live off tomato pasta for a month and still think it’s pretty damn good at the end.

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