AGONY AUNT: WHAT'S YOUR DILEMMA THIS WEEK?

This week one Courier reader struggles to tell her friend that her relationship might not be sunshine and rainbows. What advice do we give her?

Editorial Team
14th March 2024
Image credit: wikimedia commons
My friend has become a different person since getting into a relationship, and it's hard to watch. The friend has been dating her boyfriend for about 9 months, it started off really well and he seemed really nice, my friends and I liked him and he got on with her housemates. However it started to go downhill when they became very attached to each other, he would go to her house most days/nights and they became inseparable. She doesn't spend much time with her friends anymore, and if she does it is difficult because her boyfriend is always there - which is ok sometimes but sometimes you just want to see your mate. Since he is spending so much time at her house, he has somewhat neglected his previous friendships and has become closer with her flatmates instead, causing him to hang around even more. Although everyone is kind of over him now because he has become annoying and is a know-it-all.
My friend skips her lectures and important uni sessions because she is asleep with him in the mornings. When she asks him not to come around, he starts acting cold to guilt her into eventually letting him. When he is round, they are very 'pookie' and have horrifying displays of public affection, nuzzling and stroking each other in communal areas like the living room. It is also clear that my friend is not herself anymore, she used to be very self-assured and confident, but now she is more down on herself and the shell of who she used to be, as it is clear the relationship is becoming too much for her. They are both under the impression that they are in love, and this makes it hard for them to see the suffocating aspect of their relationship.
How can we help her return to her normal self when she is so sure he's right for her?

Firstly, I would say that you want to approach the subject in a calm and non-confrontational manner. Despite her recent hesitations towards her relationship, she will still most likely not take external criticism well. Likewise, I would pick an environment that is not her house or uni; possibly even a place that’s meaningful to your friendship or group of friends. 

You should reassure her that you’re not vying for her to break up with her boyfriend but merely reminding her that there is a life beyond her relationship and that taking care of her own well-being and education will actually make their relationship stronger and less codependent, as they re-learn to be individuals. 

Nonetheless, this is easier said than done as she may not instantly take this information on board or once again be defensive about the relationship. If so, taking a less direct approach may be more beneficial - you could organise a ‘girls’ night or a cocktail evening and without explicitly bringing the topic of her relationship up; try and remind her that her friendships can be just as fulfilling. 

However, in regards to the abrupt PDA and “the being Pookie”, a definite conversation needs to be had. If your friend does not want to change her relationship or behaviour then that is up to her, but you are well within your rights to ask her to tone down the PDA in communal areas. It is your house too and you’re paying to live there as well, you deserve to feel comfortable in your own home. As such, I would suggest having a friendly yet firm conversation about it. 

Overall, while this kind of situation is never ideal for anyone involved, I can assure you that eventually your friend knows that you’re all there for her and want what is best for her. But she most likely is struggling to come to terms with what needs to be done to either fix or end her relationship. When a person gets into a routine or a certain set of behaviours it is hard for them to break out of it but it is not impossible, and with your support, I am certain that your friend will return to the person she was before. 

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