So, one of our lovely relationships sub-editors sent me an article this week on how “ghosting” was linked to certain personality types. And my immediate thought was- I didn’t know being a man was a personality type.
But seriously, a study by Peter K Jonason et al. suggests that ceasing contact with a partner abruptly, and with no explanation, is considered ‘more acceptable’ by those with traits of ‘Machiavellianism, narcissism and psychopathy’. Could this be true? Certainly, I think ghosting can also be connected to laziness among our generation. It’s easier to just stop contacting someone you’ve been dating, or even sleeping with. You can avoid the awkwardness of the, ‘sorry I just don’t see this going anywhere text’ by just not sending it! And, in the era of online dating and social media, it’s become normalised to just cut someone off.
If you feel unsafe or uncomfortable talking to someone online, you should totally cut them off, you don’t owe them anything!
There’s a fine line between “ghosting” and ending a conversation. It’s still important to have boundaries. Social media can elongate friendships and relationships unnecessarily. And, if you feel unsafe or uncomfortable talking to someone online, you should totally cut them off, you don’t owe them anything! Tinder and online dating apps are a “different realm”, where stopping messaging with someone abruptly is fine. If you’ve never met the person face-to-face, ghosting is acceptable, and expected! But stringing someone along and then just dropping them is not okay, whichever way you swing it.
According to the study, when it comes to short-term relationships, men with narcissistic traits tended to see ghosting as more acceptable than women with the same traits. Hardly surprising. And, all participants said ghosting in a long-term relationship was much worse- they have some standards! Russell Brand asking Katy Perry for a divorce via text comes to mind (and that wasn’t even technically “ghosting”). Obviously, lower levels of empathy in ‘dark triad’ personality types lead to a lack of interest in the emotional consequences of their actions. And sex means less to some people than others. The ‘dark triad’ types, according to the study, are ‘motivated towards casual sex’, to avoid commitment.
Maybe ghosting does come down to a fear of commitment. We need to consider the degree of investment in a relationship from each party. Often, it means more to one than the other, and this can lead to the latter thinking “it’s not that deep” when it comes to ghosting. Unfortunately, there is a reason why most “unlawful” ghosting comes from men- it’s a lack of emotional intelligence. I don’t think everyone that ghosts someone out of laziness, or lack of care, is a psychopath, narcissist, or Machiavelli for that matter; but the line between a short and long-term relationship is not always clear. And, out generation often has a fear of telling the other party exactly what they want. Especially if they want a relationship! (shudder).
So, perhaps better communication can end all this ghosting. Unless, of course, you are dating someone with complete apathy (in which case, just run). And - lets face it - we’ve all been there.
