Brexit: a done deal, or no deal?

As March 29th draws closer, Jack Coles updates us on the Brexit events of the last month.

Jack Coles
11th February 2019
Credit: Pixabay

OK, what connects Groundhog Day, The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask, Theresa May’s Brexit proceedings, and a broken centrifuge? 3, 2, 1, pencils down… if you guessed “a time loop where the same things happen over and over again and nothing seems to change much”, then grab yourself a biscuit.

Yes, as the 29th of March rolls inexorably closer like a giant carnivorous wheel of cheese, the powers that be are scrambling to find a solution that everyone likes. Unfortunately they have failed to grasp that broad appeal only works when the Venn diagram doesn’t consist of two completely separate circles. Or to put it another way, both the hard Brexiteers and the staunch Remainers are going to consistently vote out any of her deals. And by “deals”, I mean “deal”, as the EU refuses to renegotiate anything.

I dunno, bless ol’ Teresa, she’s been trying so hard to get Brexit to work. She’s been going back and forth between the UK and EU parliaments so often that I’m wondering if we could hook her up to a turbine to provide clean energy for half of Wales. The key sticking point is the “Irish backstop”, an assurance that there will be no border checks between the Republic and Northern Ireland post-Brexit. Sounds great on principle, but it would mean either the UK would still have to remain in the customs union, or instead have border checks between NI and the rest of the UK – neither solution is approved by the DUP, who are propping up May’s government.

The powers that be are scrambling to find a solution that everyone likes

It’s not as if any other parties are being much help. Labour are sitting on the fence, screaming about refusing “no deal” while keeping quiet about Corbyn’s anti-EU sentiments. The Lib Dems and SNP are both firmly anti-Brexit, and all they seem to do is wear Theresa May down. UKIP’s in hot water because of racists (again), and the other minor parties are mainly saying the occasional thing just to appear relevant.

On another note, I finally figured out who to blame for Brexit: William Hague. He was on the radio recently (yes, I’m old, shut up) in an excerpt from an upcoming Brexit  documentary. He said that he and the senior Conservatives in 2016 had a choice: either call a referendum on EU membership, or risk dividing the Conservative party. You can probably guess which option I would have preferred.

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