I came to uni as a virgin: the stigma of virginity in your early 20s

The topic of virginity is one that is definitely complex and multifaceted, so when it comes to conversations about virginity in early adulthood, it adds many more layers to an already confusing topic. As we know it now, virginity is a social construct. It is more important in certain cultures and religions than others and implies many different things. Generally speaking, virginity is often associated with innocence, purity and inexperience and losing it is often seen as a sort of transition to adulthood and maturity. Obviously, this isn’t the case, but trying to change a societal belief that has existed for hundreds of years can be very difficult.

As the title suggests, I came to uni as a virgin. It’s not something I am particularly ashamed of, it’s just a fact that I’ve never had sex and that isn’t a bad thing. I’ve never made a huge fuss about it and to be honest, nobody around me has made a big deal out of it either, but I would be lying if I said that didn’t feel very isolating. A central part of the uni experience, amongst all other things, is relationships and sexual encounters. We’ve all seen situations where people have shared their weird and wonderful sex stories, spoken about their body count etc, it’s a common occurrence in a uni setting. When you’re the virgin in the group though, you might often find yourself not being able to contribute much to these discussions, which can definitely feel very weird.

The topic of virginity in early adulthood can be a very frustrating one at times. We are living in a time where society has become much more openly sexualised and it is easy to feel pressured into having sexual encounters by a certain age so you don’t feel as though you are falling behind. I always found it very difficult to see my close friends back at home and at uni telling me about their experiences with sex whilst I was yet to have a similar one. It is always the first thing I’m asked about when I see old friends and family: “any boys yet?”, “have you met anyone?”, “you need to put yourself out there more!”. As well as this, the ties to virginity and innocence have meant that when people find out I’ve not had sex yet there is always some kind of weird obsession with either maintaining my so-called innocence or being the first person to take it away- very creepy I know!

It is easy to fall into the trap of feeling embarrassment or shame across all sexual orientations and gender identities because you are a virgin in adulthood. Not having any romantic or sexual encounters can make you feel as though you are missing out or in some cases, make you feel undesirable. In my early uni days, I considered lying about my body count (this is very common with people who are and aren’t sexually active) or at least finding a quick hookup so I can say it’s been done, but thinking about it made me realise that I was putting unnecessary pressure on myself to do something I don’t feel comfortable doing.

The most important thing to remember is that life will play out differently for every person, so whilst you may not have lost your virginity, close friends may have lost theirs in their teens. It is ok to feel frustrated, have FOMO, or even feel happy with this fact. Either way, the timing is different for everyone so it is important to not look for sexual encounters when you don’t feel comfortable with them. Everyone will have their reasons for not having intimate relations in early adulthood, be it religious reasons, celibacy or simply because it just hasn’t happened, but always have it in mind that you aren’t weird, falling behind, childish or a prude. It simply hasn’t happened yet and that is absolutely fine! As I mentioned before, virginity is a social construct that has proven to do more harm than good, so don’t allow this to define your worth or value in a society that has become more sexualised.