If only- it’s a phrase that has haunted me for numerous years but especially now as I come to the end of my undergraduate experience. If only you had done more. But what else could you have done? You did what you could in the moment, right? You tried your very hardest and now here you are, punishing yourself when you should be celebrating. And yet all you can think is what if.
To say I have overcome regret would be a lie. It may even be my worst fear, knowing I could have had everything I’ve ever wanted if I didn’t let anxiety get in the way. So, what if they reject you, so what if you don’t get the job, wouldn’t knowing be better than this?
Tormenting yourself will never earn you peace. That is one of the many lessons I have learnt this year and yet I still must battle with myself every day to overcome regret. You cannot change the past as much as you pray that you could. It would have happened if it was meant to be. A phrase I truly despise and yet here I am using it. It comes to the point in life when it’s easier to believe that your life is somehow predestined, that you have some sort of purpose. That to me isn’t as scary as the alternative- that every little decision I make has some bigger consequence on my experience.
I made a promise to myself that I would learn peace, to find happiness, and to be content with what I have achieved. Wouldn’t that be nice, wouldn’t that be heavenly. It’s all a part of larger journey on your way back to yourself. You will find it one day, it doesn’t matter how, or which route you take. The experiences you miss out on are minor details on a road to purpose. Don’t let the white noise distract you from hearing yourself. Being proud of who you are is the only important decision to make.