If this has ever happened to you, don’t worry, you’re not alone. Even if it’s only in recent years that people are starting to talk about this phenomenon, it’s long been a common occurrence in the dating world.The ick can be described as a feeling of repulsion or disgust, following an initial period of attraction, that arises when a partner does or says a certain thing.
True icks are such mundane and superficial things that you normally wouldn’t blink an eye at
I think it’s a common misconception that understandably off-putting things, like loud chewing, or being rude to waiters, are icks. True icks are such mundane and superficial things that you normally wouldn’t blink an eye at. When their legs dangle on a rollercoaster, for example. When they swim with goggles, or can’t find the end of the sellotape.
Icks do have their uses – you can try to purposely give yourself the ick to get over someone. Imagine them chasing a ping pong ball around the room. Yeah, that’s it for me too.
It’s a projection of what we dislike about ourselves
It’s not so good when it’s involuntary though. There’s certainly something deeper going on here – what really is the ick? It’s definitely about the person, not the situation. I believe it’s a projection of what we dislike about ourselves. It’s a manifestation of the shame we feel about our own flaws, through criticism. We’ve all heard the saying where insults say more about the insulter than the insulted – it seems this can be applied to the ick too.
Getting the ick is damaging in that insecurities get in the way of having a proper, fulfilling relationship. It also reinforces the ideal of perfection in a partner, when we all know that this is impossible – after all, the perfect is the enemy of the good. It’s worrying as well that it’s mostly heterosexual women experiencing icks about men – is it fair to judge men for having irrational turn offs, but not women? Some people think it masks a deeper suspicion of something being ‘off’ in a relationship, and that you should listen to your intuition, but I disagree. A genuine gut feeling is more of unease and anxiousness – you’ll recognize it.
Personally though, I think it’s a good thing that the concept of icks is being discussed and acknowledged in the dating world. When I look back at my previous relationships, I (unfairly) got the ick, but wasn’t aware of this. I thought something was fundamentally wrong with the relationship and our compatibility, but in hindsight, knowing about the ick, I understand that at least part of the problem was me. The ick as a phenomenon is damaging, but naming it is the first step to overcoming it, right?
So next time I get that cringey feeling about a partner or date, I’ll know to recognise it, and use this knowledge to stop being so crit-ick-al. Hopefully, after reading this, you will too.