PMDD: an internal battle

Content warning: this article contains references to depression and suicidal ideation.

If I were to describe myself, it would be as a fairly satisfied person, someone who ultimately enjoys life. I like to keep busy and stay motivated, working hard toward my goal of becoming a journalist. I’m also someone who loves a variety of activities, whether it’s dancing, going for walks, or reading. Additionally, I have a deep appreciation for the little things - the way sunlight filters through orange leaves in autumn, or the cozy glow of fairy lights in a small café on a dark winter day. Even brief exchanges with strangers on the metro often make me smile. And so I’d say, in general, I feel excited for the future—the places I’ll go, the people I’ll meet, and the person I’ll become.

And yet despite all of this, and despite the fact I enjoy life, there is one week each month when it feels like a switch flips inside my mind. It comes with little warning, and for one to two weeks, I move through life feeling numb, depressed, and paranoid.

Everything seems dark and colourless. My usual determination to succeed in university fades into a deep lack of motivation. The desire to spend time with friends twists into despair and a nagging fear that they might dislike me. I find myself obsessing over minor interactions, reading into every word and tone, creating these scenarios in my head in which I am alone and despised.   

It took me a long time to recognize this as a pattern. I felt like I was losing myself for those days each month when I just didn’t feel like “me” and struggled to like myself at all. For years I'd be getting into fights over nothing, self sabotaging relationships and feeling helpless, unknown to the cause of it all.

There’s often casual acknowledgment that the week before a woman’s period can bring on “emotional” or “irrational” moments, with phrases like, “that time of the month” or “shark week.” The assumption is that hormone shifts might temporarily impact our mood and behaviour. But what I hadn’t realized was just how intense these changes could be, and how deeply they could affect my sense of self.

What I hadn’t realized at the time was that the intense emotional shifts I was experiencing closely aligned with a condition called PMDD, or Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder—a severe, often debilitating extension of PMS. A quick search of PMDD reveals that it can cause “extreme mood shifts that disrupt daily life and damage relationships” and that’s exactly what it feels like. For a week each month, I find myself pushing away friends, getting into arguments over trivial things, and in the aftermath, I have to piece everything back together, only for the cycle to repeat.

It’s frustrating because no matter how much I’ve grown over the years, how hard I’ve worked to stabilise my emotions and find calm, all of that progress seems to vanish during this dark week. Sometimes, I even find myself having intense, obsessive thoughts, including suicidal ones. As soon as my period begins, the fog lifts, and I wonder why I felt that way at all. The thoughts seemed so consuming at the time, but they feel almost foreign afterward.

The terrifying thing about PMDD is that these emotions feel absolutely real. In those moments, you can’t rationalize that it’s “just” a hormonal imbalance. Feelings of depression, anger, or despair—often triggered by something small, like a disagreement or an offhand comment—take on an overwhelming intensity that feels undeniable.

Because women’s health is so under-researched, PMDD often goes overlooked in both media and general discourse, and it’s rarely discussed openly. So, if you’ve experienced anything similar, know that you’re not alone. What you need most is a supportive circle—people who understand that this isn’t “irrationality” but rather something you can’t fully control.

While it’s normal to feel a bit off or more emotional before your period, if these feelings become intense and unmanageable—if you’re experiencing severe depression, anxiety, exhaustion, or persistent anger—it’s possible that you’re dealing with PMDD. In those moments, remember that this version of you is not permanent; it’s a temporary state, and eventually, it will pass.