Research shows that fruit flies enjoy ejaculating

And they hit the booze when they're not getting any, writes Joe Hodgson.

Joe Hodgson
8th May 2018
Fruit flies (Drosophila melanogaster) mating whilst walking on salt. Photo: Francisco Romero Ferrero [CC BY-SA 4.0], from Wikimedia Commons.

So apparently we need to be keeping a closer eye on the scientists. Not the cool ones obviously, like NASA you’re good, and all those dudes in Silicon Valley seem to be doing a pretty nice job, which must be difficult when you live in a whole valley made out of just silicon. I bet it’s slippy there. Is silicon slippy? Either way keep on trucking lads, those chips won’t solder themselves until about 2020 when you figure out how to do that.

​Those are the cool scientists, you leave them alone and they tinker around for a couple of years in their little workshops and come back to you with their great new phone that can massage your prostate, repair your relationship with your Stepdad Ron, and whisper sweet nothings in your ear as the sun sets. We can afford to leave these guys alone, after all, it’s hard to program with someone reading over your shoulder, which incidentally is why you never see people writing Java on the Metro. 

However this does not mean we should turn a blind eye to all the mental shenanigans happening in the labs of the world, and here’s why.

​Some guys in Israel are shining red lights on flies until they come, and then they’re pressuring them into drinking.

​Is… Is this science? Are they doing this for a reason, or are they just taunting God at this point? These guys must have some sort of motive; I refuse to believe it’s for the simple explanation they’ve given.

Neuroscientist GalitShohat-Ophir says the whole thing’s about figuring out, which is plausible, but also a very convenient excuse to spend your day making flies nut. 

Also, please don’t get me wrong, by no means am I condemning this experiment. I am all for the spirit of scientific discovery, I just… I just have a lot of questions.

[pullquote]The results of the experiment show that the flies’ brains react to ejaculation by rewarding the insects[/pullquote]

​Are the flies having a good time? The basic idea of the research is that after genetically engineering the flies to ejaculate when they’re shown a red light, the neurologists took a look at the brain chemistry going on in the flies to try and figure out more about the brain’s natural reward system. Then, after the flies got their rocks off, and presumably had a cigarette in bed, they were offered drinks with and without alcohol in. The results of the experiment show that the flies’ brains react to ejaculation by rewarding the insects, who then feel less need to consume alcohol than if they didn’t just go through a whole pack of tissues.

This is a pretty big deal because it shows that insects’ sex lives are linked to their drinking habits, and if they’re running on empty they’re less likely to pick up a bottle.

In other words, no sperm? No problem. What Janet? A beer? Normally I’d love to, but I’ve just cranked one out in the men’s room. Hm? Alright, a Coke then. Yes, Pepsi’s fine. 

[pullquote]If we can genetically alter flies to nut when they see red, does that mean we can just do that now?[/pullquote]

​So what’s going on in these flies’ heads? Like, we do know exactly what’s going through their heads, in a biological sense, but what are they actually thinking about their whole situation? Do they think they’ve hit the jackpot? Or are they trapped in this bar in which you’re either drunk or just constantly ejaculating? You’ve really got to keep an eye on your drink in there. Not because you might get spiked, but because you might get fly juice in there. That virgin Cuba Libre just turned into a Cuba Libre. 

​Also if we can genetically alter flies to nut when they see red, does that mean we can just do that now? When did this happen? I feel like we all should have been told quite clearly by a nondescript man in a black suit and tie at our front door: “We can make flies and probably you come whenever we want to, and there’s nothing you can do to stop us.” And then they snap their fingers and you’re on your knees and you need a change of underwear. In his defence though, that is a pretty good prank.

​Anyway, in conclusion, flies drink when they haven’t nut in a while, some of them go buckwild if you show them a red light, there’s a government agent somewhere who can make you cum by snapping his fingers, nothing means anything anymore, and all of you are burdened with this terrible knowledge. And like the flies, after spreading this information, I have relieved myself.

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