The 3: See No, Hear No, Speak No Evil

Michael Gove, Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees-Mogg, every flavour of depravity? We tempt fate and discuss their leadership chances

Rory Cameron
19th February 2018
Image: Wikimedia Commons

Rory Cameron

Michael Gove, Boris Johnson or Jacob Rees-Mogg. It’s like asking if you would prefer death by drowning, being burnt alive, or by being hacked apart. In fact, Conservative Party policy of cuts actually suggests that the latter is most likely. For the rest of us, with a choice between Gove, Davis or Rees-Mogg, there is no optimistic choice.

Michael Gove’s previous agenda in the education sector appeared to be a policy of delinquency, delinquency, delinquency for future generations. With Gove at the helm of the Conservative party, there may not be much of a country left by the time our moronic children grow up. It will all have been sold off, we will be living in the Nestle Nation, or perhaps the G4S Security State.

There is no optimistic choice

Boris Johnson, fresh from his recovery of being stabbed in the back by Gove at the last leadership election, is also expected to make another bid for the top job. No, not the bid which made then-Prime Minister David Cameron nervous, calling a referendum on the EU in order to consolidate his place within his own party. We all know how that went. Then again, the impassioned Brexit proponent aka BoJo also had an unpublished article in support of the Remain vote leaked not long after the referendum, so a U-Turn is not out of the question from the flappy-armed Etonian.

Finally, we have the new posterboy of the Right, who believe they have found their answer to Corbyn-mania with the conviction politics of Rees-Mogg, a man so antiquated, that one struggles to imagine him exist in the present, let alone in the future. Outdated attitudes towards civil liberties and economics paint him as more Dickensian character, but he’s the wild card, and in the Trump era of personality politicians, he’s the one my money is on.

Sidney Pinsent

The year is 2019 and Theresa May has just handed in her form of resignation as dark clouds linger over parliament. Three men – one posh, one tall and posh and another posh with grey hair – scramble for the vacancy. This is the conservative party and they need a new leader to lead the country to a victorious, independent future. So, will it be Rees Mogg, David Davis or Gove?

The ambitious Gove plans to continue his previous work in education and hopes to continue to privatise the education. He is reportedly considering a plan to privatise knowledge itself saying “knowledge will become an important commodity of which our European friends will be in short supply. We hope to sell it back to them for a tidy profit”. He then began to laugh evilly.

Gove is reportedly considering privatising knowledge

David Davis hopes to use his power to lead Britain to a more cautious Brexit. His plans for a soft Brexit were silenced as “unrealistic” so he hopes to wrap the entire British economy in bubble wrap. The move will ensure long term prosperity for Britain’s thin plastic manufacturing industry after figures show catastrophic loses after the introduction of the 5p plastic bag charge.

Jacob Rees Mogg is more absurdly optimistic in his post-Brexit plans. He hopes Britain will once again ‘rule the waves’ and suggest sailing Britain round the world using a sail made from Union Jack knickers.

The vote takes place just a week after Boris Johnson died in a freak accident after 3 knives fell in his back.


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