The BTOC Awards

The writers of the Courier decide: What are the best loos on campus?

Harry Parsons
18th October 2018
The Coruier

The people have spoken - it’s time to announce the winners of our BTOC Awards The Best Toilets on Campus- does Armstrong have the most beautiful bogs? Does Merz host the most luxurious lavvies? Or does the SU act as home to the most chic of shitters? Here, we find out the results.


#1: Armstrong Ground Floor Ladies'- this loo was chosen by two separate writers, here's both their reasons why:

The best loo on campus? This coveted title is well deserved by those blessing the ground floor of the Armstrong Building; they’re simple, stylish, and even clean!
There is nothing showy about these toilets, their monochrome and grey colour scheme can only be described as chic and the wall of mirrors ensures that you’re always looking your best for those wonderful 9ams. Furthermore, on a trip to the Armstrong loos you’ll be pleased to actually find soap in the soap dispensers and even toilet paper in the holders; what else could you possibly ask for? The most unfortunate feature of any loo has to be the roller towel dispensers that taint the Student Union’s restroom offerings and require far too much effort.
Thankfully, any visitors to the Armstrong Building are relieved of such inconvenience with simple but effective hand dryers. To summarise, a good loo must be three simple things: clean, well-stocked, and unoffensive to look at. The Armstrong loos meet, and perhaps even surpass, these essential requirements and are therefore, without a doubt, the best loos on Newcastle University Campus. A cheeky detour to these luxurious lavatories is highly recommended. -Emma McLaren

Nestled in a quiet corridor on the ground floor of the Armstrong building, so discrete you could easily walk past and miss it, is undoubtedly the best toilet on campus.
The impeccable cleanliness of the bathroom’s modern interior sits in perfect contrast to the historic setting of that majestic building to create the perfect ambience for relieving one’s bladder or enjoying a moment of well-earned respite from a particularly taxing seminar. The toilet paper is always plentiful, the taps at optimum pressure and temperature, and the hand-dryers efficient. On occasion, the music students can just be heard practicing in the neighbouring room, adding an element of sophistication to the occasion.
On rare days you may encounter another individual, a possible threat to your private sanctuary. Be assured however that they are most likely a kindred spirit, a veteran who is also privy to the charms of this place, and not a boisterous fresher seeking to disrupt your quiet repose. Now that you are also made aware of this esteemed haven, I must urge you to treat it only with the utmost respect.
BToC judges, fellow nominators, friends, there really is no contest as to which toilet on campus deserves this prestigious accolade. -Izzy Sykes


#2 NUSU Central Ladies'

This seat of luxury is practically a hidden gem. Found in the Student Central, it is almost always empty. You have to go down a set of steps to reach the tiny basement floor where these toilets reside, giving it the sense of being a hidden away place of privacy.
The facilities are very generous, especially for such a quiet space, with eight toilets and eight sinks; you’ll never have to stoop to queuing for the toilet here. The cubicles themselves are always very clean, and I personally recommend going for one underneath a spotlight, as there is nothing worse than a dark toilet of course.
Thank heavens for the hand dryer too. It isn’t one of those that permits just a wisp of air, but a full force of hot air that dries you quickly, so you can rush off to your beloved seminar. But most importantly of all, these toilets have mirrors galore; the main space has eight full length mirrors in which you can do a full outfit check/ photoshoot/whatever tickles your fancy. Along the corridor of cubicles there is even a huge landscape mirror above a sort of makeup counter, so you can top up your face whilst you’re at it. All in all, it’s quiet, it’s big, it’s clean and it’s like a funhouse of mirrors. What more could you ask for? -Aimee Seddon


#3 Percy Ground Floor Ladies'

The Percy building ground floor female toilet is the shooting star of all university toilets. Magical, mystical, but very hard to get a look at.
It wastes no time with this cubicle nonsense, on Percy ground floor it’s just one toilet in the whole room. It provides a space for deep contemplation, a time-out from the hustle and bustle of the overcrowded English building and, of course, an accessible spot for doing your business. I am unashamed to say that I spend an unusual amount of time in this toilet compared to most – perhaps I have some comrades in this love of the Percy ground floor toilet. Perhaps there is a whole band of us spending 15 minutes at a time sat there at 10am, pondering about how done with uni we already are for the day. Perhaps it is I and my band of merry loo men who are the exact reason that this toilet is, frustratingly, always occupied. - Carys Rose Thomas


#4 Bedson First Floor Ladies'

Not so much the best loos on campus, but most certainly the most nostalgic are the ground floor toilets of the Bedson Building.
THE BEDSON BUILDING?! I hear you cry. What? The grotty old science-block monstrosity which stinks of strange chemicals and has the same shitty doors and crumbling plaster board that can be found in most typical ageing comprehensive school buildings?
Well yes. Judge it if you will, but the outdated, old fashioned, probably germ-ridden loos are always empty, always clean (well as clean as they can be when surrounded by rooms filled with elusive and funky-smelling substances), but most of all they are filled with the glorious memories of high school loos, complete with wet loo roll stuck to the ceiling and the oh-so-distinctive whiff of cigarette smoke unsuccessfully masked by Lynx Africa. Perhaps not the most luxurious of lavatories, but certainly the best of bogs. - Ally Wilson


#5 A Bog of Contention: SU First Floor Mens'- Good or Bad?

So you’ve heard about the very best bogs on campus, now let’s see to the worst. These abominations are found right at the heart of our university, in none other than the SU itself.
Enter from the side door, go up the stairs, and these monstrosities are immediately on your left. I can’t speak for the ladies’ (which I’ve heard are actually rather nice), but the men’s need some serious work.
The toilets themselves are a horrible metal, whilst the cubicles rarely close properly. To be fair, the locks were recently fixed and bins have been added to the cubicles - which would be a nice idea, if they weren’t so unnecessarily large. No matter where you put it, there is no escape from touching one with an unrobed leg. Gross…
God forbid you have to go for a number two. The feeble flushes fail miserably after a few sheets of paper. And that’s if you’re lucky enough to get to that stage with no mishaps. The dispensers, which surely have been designed by an absolute sadist, are impractical affairs which only allow you one square at a time and have a horrendous habit of ripping off with the next sheet still inside.
The only positive for this loo is that the paper is of a respectable size and ply. If you are in the SU and need a poo, go to the top floor: the non-binary toilets are lovely. - Alex Moore

Whilst I feel my personal exploration of the University’s range of toilets may not be as extensive as others (kudos to a strong bladder) there is one which has a special place in my heart.
The toilets on the first floor of the Students Union, just outside The Courier office stand head and shoulders above any other urinating hotspots on campus. Whether it be a quick toilet trip before last year’s laying up deadlines, a visit to see the destruction that Banter Claus had caused during The Courier Christmas Social or a rush to get there and return in the three and a half minutes of a Charli XCX song from the NSR studio, these toilets never disappoint.
What’s more, last year a photo of the University’s beloved James Sproston adorned the wall by the door. Whatever the mood of the toilet trip, seeing The Courier God working his stuff in his sabbatical headshots was a guaranteed mood-lifter.
I will miss a lot of things from Newcastle University whilst on my Year Abroad. However, none more so than the Students Union 1st floor toilets. Take care of them for me. - Toby Bryant


#6 The Mystery Loo

In a well known spot in the heart of Newcastle’s Campus lies a toilet unlike any other. Down an outdated series of corridors lies a hidden secret of a toilet.
I couldn’t possibly reveal the location of these toilets as they’re almost always empty and in a prime location. I certainly don’t want that to change.
They’re gender neutral, individually roomed, cleaned regularly, located in the sort of place that you might need to be in for many many hours and spacious. If you can get used to the dark brown 80’s tiles then you’ll be ready for this hidden gem of a toilet. - Harry Parsons



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