It’s that time of year again. You’ve been ditched by your friends who are in those stupid "relationship" things. Fools. Fear not, for you have your true friends: alcohol and chocolate. They never leave you. So get out the speakers, put on your comfiest dressing gown and turn up the volume for the perfect singleton’s Valentine’s Day playlist.
Phase 1: I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T.
Who needs anyone else anyway to have fun? Everyone knows the best nights are spent with Netflix and/or an alcoholic beverage for company, right? Whilst you open your drink of choice, Track 1 kicks in which sees Beyoncé bringing out your inner Sasha Fierce. Soon, it becomes the whole Destiny’s Child trio as ‘Survivor’ plays. Pink bellows ‘So What’ before ‘Gold Digger’ leaves you with levels of self-esteem similar to Kanye himself as you wonder why on earth you ever bothered with anyone else’s company because you are the bomb. ‘Cry Me A River’ (both the Justin Timberlake and the Michael Buble’s version) reverberates around the room and the idea of contact with that ex currently seems laughable. ‘I Will Survive’ serves to reiterate the fact that you are an independent human being who needs no one else to get by.
Phase 2: Moping
The alcohol has started to take its toll. The existential doubt over your love life begins to trouble your previously unquestionable mental state. This is only worsened as Jeff Buckley’s ‘Hallelujah’ resonates in your room followed by Elvis’ ‘Heartbreak Hotel’ and The Beatles’ ‘Yesterday’. By the time Morrissey sings “In my life why do I give valuable time to people who don’t care if I live or die?”, you grab the Kleenex. The use, of which, I leave to the reader’s discretion. Suddenly, you’re hit with a wall of an emotion as R.E.M., Radiohead, The Cure and Amy Winehouse all obliterate any sense of psychological strength you thought you had. What is the cure to stop crying at The Cure? Get another pint/can/bottle/litre, of course. However, the heart-wrenching tunes are seemingly never-ending with Coldplay, James Blunt and The Fray make you a wreck. Never before have you felt such an emotional connection to a Canadian rapper as your late-night Facebook peruse shows photos of your ex going out more sporting glasses of champagne out on the dancefloor. Oasis tell you to ‘Stop Crying Your Heart Out’ but you can’t and you won’t as you become an alcoholic mess – even before Celine Dion starts crooning.
Phase 3: Redemption?
So-called ‘share size’ packets of confectionary are sprawled all over the floor with your fair few empty drinks. By this point you scour for anything vaguely alcoholic merrily combining vodka, Lambrini and lemonade and finding it worrying drinkable. Meanwhile, Whitney Houston, Leona Lewis and Adele provide the soundtrack to this sad scene. Despite Justin Bieber and One Direction’s efforts to lighten the mood, they lead to one more regretful snapchat/text after another. Take That’s ‘Back For Good’ merely furthers the stream of tears as you start to regret every decision you ever made.
Phase 4: The singalong session
The alcohol has ran dry yet the tunes continue to play. You wail along to ‘Champagne Supernova’ hoping that one day someone will find you caught beneath the landslide. Eventually, you crash and burn, whilst ‘Love Will Tear Us Apart’ plays on as you enter your alcohol-fuelled, much needed slumber. Secretly, you can’t wait to do it all over again. Roll on next year