The Five Swans to be renamed 'The Five Pigeons'

The Five Swans is dead. A few weeks on from the grand reopening, government measures to combat the spread of coronavirus has caused the establishment to shut its doors yet again. But these swans shall rise once more. Beneath the ashes of the charred wooden banner for booze and burgers lay newly-greyed feathers. Upon its eventual return, a new name shall grace its entrance: The Five Pigeons.

A name chosen by Bob Standard, Newcastle City Council’s Leader of Gastropubs and Eateries, it is hoped to be a fitting commemoration of recent troubles. Bob is a rising star within Newcastle City Council, having only been in the role since Monday 30 March. At only sixteen years of age, he self-appointed himself once the current pandemic hit and his work experience programme went awry.

To go along with the news, this particular Wetherspoons branch will exclusively roll out a new method of ordering: carrier pigeon. While many continue to turn to the Wetherspoons app for speedy order placement, the firm now says that this new method is aimed at those looking for “impeccable service”.

After Tim Martin, Chairman of the Wetherspoons pub chain, decided that he didn’t fancy paying his staff through the coronavirus pandemic, it would be a major coup if the chain managed to redeem themselves in the eyes of customers. Nevertheless, winning good favour with the student crowd of Newcastle “can do wonders in swaying national public opinion”, says Newcastle student Sophie Hicks.

So when lectures recommence and the pubs open their doors, don’t be surprised to see an enormous new masthead with giant pigeons emblazoned onto the front. After all, how else are Wetherspoons going to make all the other pubs aware of their spot on the pecking order?