This is a difficult feeling to navigate, especially when the focus is on happiness and gratitude, and drunken relatives telling you that “tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" probably isn’t the answer to your woes, no matter how well meaning your aunt is or how much she loves quoting Tennyson's elegies.
Rather than feeling the comforting lull of family around you, Christmas can create feelings of pressure and alienation. In fact, a lack of interest in the outside world and activities you’d usually enjoy are a completely normal reaction to bereavement, even though they may feel anything but.
Two years on, Christmas is still difficult but it's made substantially better by the grace I’ve given myself to just feel my feelings
My first Christmas without my dad was nothing short of excruciating. I didn’t cry as much as I thought I would; I just felt this anxious dread, like everything was wrong and there was no chance that it would ever be right again. My focus was just on getting through the day, but I still felt like I was grieving wrong somehow. Two years on, Christmas is still difficult. But, it's made substantially better by the grace I’ve given myself to just feel my feelings, even if I don't always understand them.
You cannot punish yourself for not reacting normally, because there is no normal reaction in this situation
A counsellor once explained to me that although my coping behaviours might not feel normal, it’s because I am reacting to something so incredibly abnormal. How can you act normal when nothing around you feels normal anymore? When the worst case scenario has happened, you’re in survival mode. Your peace has been threatened. You cannot punish yourself for not reacting normally, because there is no normal reaction in this situation. It’s more than enough to just cope.
In the beginning stages of grief, people regularly experience problems with eating and socialising, which just so happens to be the two main attractions of Christmas. It’s okay if you can’t get as involved as you usually would. Feeling alienated from those around you is normal, as you're likely going through something they might not understand. It's okay to take some time out if you need it - you know yourself better than anyone else does.
If you're struggling to cope, websites such as Sue Ryder and Marie Curie have some really useful resources for dealing with grief over the Christmas period, which have certainly helped me.
Whether you thrive from interaction this Christmas, or feel drained by it and would rather be alone - give your body a place to feel safe. You know yourself better than any well meaning relative. Let yourself feel what you need to, and know that there is no wrong way to grieve.
