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I was barely through my third pre-dinner vodka when I heard the news. Theresa May’s deal got voted out again by a margin of 149; perhaps not as big as the literally historic 230 difference from the last one, but still damning. She has suffered more defeats in Parliament than Cameron, Brown, and Blair combined. Statistically speaking, she is the worst prime minister we have ever had since most of us were born.

If given the option, I would like to count exactly how many excessively-vocal fools still persist in the notion that a no-deal Brexit is a good idea (I think it’s at least five). Forget Shamima Begum, these brainwashed people are far more dangerous than a lone ISIS bride; the government listens to them, for a start. Just goes to show that saying something over and over again really works on a mob – but not to a group of highly-educated statesmen, as Theresa May has been finding out from her stagnated negotiations.

I’m aware that insulting the people that you want to bring around to your way of thinking doesn’t really work – hell, catch me at a time when I haven’t had six vodkas and I’d probably say the same thing. But this is a student newspaper; chances are, you didn’t vote for Brexit (unless your dad owns a factory and wanted fewer EU restrictions so you can afford to buy another yacht). So I am perfectly free to [editor’s note: the author was in fact not perfectly free to say what he wanted here, as it broke at least two international treaties. Let’s just say his description of hard Brexiteers was highly unpleasant.]

Some of you are bound to be thinking “but Jack, surely you’re pleased that we’re the closest to remaining in the EU since 2016?” I have two things to say to that. Firstly, well done on remembering that my name is “Jack” from the little introductory sentence, most people (myself included) don’t bother reading that bit. And secondly, being pleased that we’re the closest to a ‘remain’ outcome is akin to being pleased the roller coaster trip is ending after you violently shat yourself on one of the twists. Even if you’re no longer on the journey that makes The Lord of the Rings look like the Magic School Bus, you’re still not going to be pleased because you’re still covered in excrement.

As for the people saying “well we’ve made it this far into Brexit, might as well carry on”, that is a terrible idea. Imagine, if you will, being kidnapped and taken to the middle of the woods, then forced at gunpoint to dig a shallow grave. If your kidnapper gets bored and walks off into the sunset, you wouldn’t say “oh, might as well just cap myself here”. No, you damn well go home and try to sort out the whole mess.

At this stage, I have little good to say about politicians. At least bankers allow people to buy a home. At least big pharma make medicines. At least EA, widely considered to be one of the worst corporations out there, puts some effort into their products. What exactly are politicians meant to be doing? It’s not managing the country – the civil servants do that – and it’s not passing effective laws, as crime has escalated to the point where I’ve started looking at stab-proof vests on Amazon. So if someone could point out one single useful thing this government has managed in the last two years then I’ll start respecting them. Until then, I’m going to call them a bunch of self-important money-grabbing cro-magnon wallies that couldn’t organise a piss-up in Bear Gryll’s Golden Shower Emporium.

No regrets.

Last modified: 14th March 2019

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