We are really trying to understand each other more and support one another through life’s trials and tribulations. I’m only nineteen, but the past six years or so have taught me a lot as I have tried to navigate my way through my teenage years - but most of all, my anxiety. Healing isn’t a linear process. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.
My parents and I first started to notice my symptoms of anxiety around the age of 13 during meals out, holidays, and increasingly at school. From this point onwards, school was a challenge, especially with the pressure I put on myself to succeed. This was a difficult period for me, as I was suddenly experiencing a multitude of new emotions, not knowing what they meant or how to talk about them. I tried speaking to the school counsellor in year 10, and later tried therapy outside of school during sixth form. But I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know how I felt or how to speak about it. Articulating my feelings was a real struggle at this point, and I will always regret the impact this had on my parents as they struggled to understand what I was experiencing.
Anxiety has changed my life, but it won’t stop me living
Then university came around. Although this was a scary concept, my anxiety when moving to Newcastle was surprisingly low. After taking a low dose of anxiety medication for two years prior, I gradually stopped taking it during first year as I noticed a significant change in myself. Getting out of the monotony of school, becoming more independent, and creating a more flexible routine gave me the space and time to work on my anxiety. It was so refreshing to feel more at ease, rather than waking up every day with a knot already tied in the pit of my stomach. Since moving to university, I have been much more proactive in trying to understand my anxiety, what triggers it and how to manage it. However, like I have said, the process is never straight-forward. I still have weeks where I lose my appetite, become physically exhausted from overthinking, and simply can’t beat my anxiety. It isn’t something that will just disappear, which is why I am more accepting of it - letting it happen and trying to manage it before it gets bad. I’m certainly getting the hang of it, but I’ve got a long way to go.
Healing, mental or physical, is never a linear process, and anxiety is a complex thing to understand. The constant ‘what if’s’, fear of judgement, pressure to achieve, cancelling plans last minute … I don’t think I will ever fully understand it all, but that’s okay. Anxiety has changed my life, but it won’t stop me living.