I’m sorry that our friendship ended the way it did: with a misunderstanding or through miscommunication. But I’m not sorry for reacting the way I did, because you upset me, and you neglected my feelings. Maybe I did the same to you, but I’m not really sure because there was no communication on your part.
Know that I don’t blame you. I blame the time and the situation. Covid has F-ed with us all, and because of that maybe the friendship wasn’t meant to work out. It all became very intense; but I think we were both just looking for friends.
I hadn’t thought of you much before this academic year. Since we hadn’t seen each other since college and only spoken through message – since you were half way across the world, it was only when certain things occurred in my life that made me think: “Oh, I should probably check how you are”. I think one time I was in a pretty weird headspace when you messaged me one time, so of course I told you all about it, but that’s not what our friendship was based on.
We had one of those friendships where we’d message occasionally and have the same conversations: to catch up, or talk about our old college Tutors, or compare the Covid restrictions in the countries we’re living in. There were always rumours, from you know who, about our friendship and why you always said goodbye to me at the end of a history lesson, wishing me a nice weekend; but of course nothing they said was true, we didn’t really see each other outside of the classroom.
I think about messaging you so often, to tell you everything that’s going on in the UK, here in Newcastle and about my coursework (I wrote that Hamilton essay, by the way), but I feel guilty for how things ended.
I think about messaging you, but it’s for a selfish reason; it’s to ask for closure. It’s to blame Covid for the ending of our friendship. But it’s to ask if you got back to your University across the globe; your summer plans; your political opinions; how your language learning is going. It’s to say “Hey, how’re you doing, long time no speak!”, and for you to reply to me in Japanese and then for us to laugh as I google translate it and the translation is totally wrong. It’s to remind you of the silly Quiz Team names we came up with in class when my Snapchat memories remind me that it’s been two years since we did a Friday Quiz.
But I can’t do that. So the best thing that I can do for the selfish reason of closure is to write this silly letter; that almost sounds like the inner monologue that the main character reads at the end of a US Teen film. This will probably just sit on my laptop and you’ll never read it. Or maybe I’ll put it online somewhere, with the small glimmer of hope that you’ll read it. Or that someone else will read it and realise it’s meant for you, and pass it on.
I hope you’re doing well. I hope you were able to travel back to your University for the next semester. And I hope your language learning is going well!
I wish you all the best!
With all my thoughts and love.
Image: Kristen Hardwick