In the beginning it was fun. We got to know each other and discussed where this relationship could go. Together, we explored common interests and bounced off each other’s ideas. We loved to spend lazy Sundays in bed reading secondary literature. I guess you could call this our honeymoon phase.
Things started to change when you demanded more, though. December was supposed to be a time for family and Christmas markets, instead you wanted a proposal. Admittedly, this felt a little too soon and more like a prenup when we discussed the terms, but I agreed to your wishes. From there, we made it official. I should have spotted the signs of your neediness back then.
When things got tense, we tried to save our relationship with a holiday away, just us. A trip to London to the visit the Marie Stopes archive at the Wellcome Collection. It helped strengthen our bond and it was comforting to be in our bubble again, but you required my uninterrupted attention, which felt taxing on my soul.
I didn’t get a Spring Break this year; you demanded every minute of my time. We worked together every day to try save our relationship. One all nighter after another, we tried to find a new level of depth, attempting to articulate the issues that you brought to the table. I get it, I was far from perfect either. Battling procrastination and the feeling of overwhelm, you made me realise that I was scared to fail.
After listening to Grace Beverley's recently refurbished Working Hard podcast, the episode 'Why Your Procrastination Stems From A Fear Of Success & How to Fix It' made me realise why overcoming the well-known 'writer's block' was harder than usual. The weight of our relationship grew as each day passed, but the experience reiterated that I can do hard things!
We sought outside of our relationship for extra support, attending meetings with our supervisor and the library team. These counselling sessions, if you can call them that, helped. From there our destiny was sealed. After months of prioritisation, organising, reading, crying analysing, thinking, crying, writing, crying, editing and more crying, it was time to break things off.
Last week I realised there was nothing more we could do, and I plucked up the courage to let you go. Our relationship brought out the best and the worst in each other. I am still happy we’re over. I realise that they were right when they said that there is life after you. Although, I do have moments of weakness and want to go back. Maybe, after therapy, I will move on to Masters. Maybe she will treat me better. But for now, undergrad dissertation, we are over and my god am I relieved.