H is a very good friend of mine from university. We became friends in our freshman year but just normal friends, not a very good one then. In the second year, we had worked together in many classes and club events, and I think I was attracted to him. Meanwhile, H indirectly (technically his other friends told me instead, but he was there too) told me that he is gay and he has boyfriend. What I felt at that moment was “oh wow, thanks for telling me.” After that, I was trying so hard to change my feelings towards him, but H was getting closer to me than before and even flirting with me, because he thought he was making jokes as a gay man flirting with a straight girl. My feeling became even more complicated since I didn’t think the flirting was just a joke, it felt real to me, and I could feel butterflies in my stomach.
In these years, H and I have become very good friends, we share so much in common, and I thought he was the one that knows me the best. I felt comfortable and confident around him. I thought I would never find this kind of good friend like him, but I was wrong. Eventually, I find my love who knows me better than H and we share more in common.
It has been a while ago since I got out of that 'loving someone but doesn’t expect anything back' swirl. I thought a lot about myself when I was in that toxic situation. Maybe I was just too stubborn to give up that special friendship with H. Maybe I should’ve just kept distance when I knew I had feelings for him instead of pretending I am his 'bestie'. Now, me and H have found our partners, I wonder when we will speak to each other about my old feelings for him, maybe we never will, which is fine by me. However, I am still curious about if that happened. Is he going to say he "knew it!” and we will laugh it off? Or will we become super awkward and can’t be friends anymore? I don’t know!