Not straight enough, not gay enough: Bisexuality in a straight relationship

For reasons beyond my comprehension, bisexuality perplexes people. Society appears to struggle to understand how you cannot be ‘this’ or ‘that’; how someone’s identity can lie in the space between, encompassing all genders. Attacking sexuality with logic will never be the answer, and so will never provide clarity for those looking so desperately to label and categorise. Sexuality is deeply driven by feeling, like anything else. 

One problem I’m frequently faced with as a bisexual woman in a ‘straight’ relationship is erasure. Time and time again, I am explicitly and implicitly told that my sexuality isn’t valid, or rather isn’t real. I am not seen as my identity, rather people assume I’m straight because the relationship speaks for me. Particularly amongst older family members, I am told that my sexuality is ‘just a phase’: performative, trendy, something I’ll grow out of, much like a pair of shoes. What people fail to realise though, is that identity is not something you can put on and slip off as easily as this. It is not a choice, nor is it a disguise, it is as much a part of me as the skin on my bones is. Bisexual erasure is seemingly endless, with countless different lines of judgement. I have heard that I’m a straight woman who is attention seeking, I’ve been told I’m not gay enough, I have been told I am everything under the sun other than what I actually am – a woman who is secure in her sexuality, attempting to exist without judgement in a happy relationship.

There is little more intimidating to a patriarchal system than a woman in complete control of her sexuality. This unfortunately, is where fetishization appears, as society’s attempt to control the narrative of your own identity. People seem to assume that bisexuality is synonymous with wanting threesomes, a lack of loyalty and a surplus of moral bankruptcy. It goes without saying that it is not. It also goes without saying that it is usually straight men who assume these things, as an attempt to spin their narrative of control on your sexuality. The fetishized stereotype of bisexual women in straight relationships are these promiscuous, hyper-sexual, mythological creatures that kiss other girls so their boyfriend can watch. Some men are so blinded by insecurity that they cannot stomach the fact that your pleasure might not rely on them at all, that they aren’t at the front and centre of your desires. Like any other sexuality, very little of what it means to be bisexual is about the sex itself. Being able to love people irrespective of their gender feels like a gift, and it should be treated as such. If a man told you they were straight, you wouldn’t immediately ask them “so does that mean you want to have sex with women?” because apart from being extremely invasive, you’re aware that sexuality is more than just sex. People seem to forget about this with bisexuality.

A lot of the hate surrounding bisexuality is driven by homophobia, internalised or otherwise, which in my experience is just thinly veiled ignorance. People are reluctant to see anything that exists outside of their sphere of understanding, and while it would be lovely for everyone to be equally open, I think we still have a long way to go. I suppose the message is that your sexuality and relationships likely mean a lot of different things to a variety of people, but none of that matters. Claim your own identity in spite of everyone’s opinions, and live your life however you choose.