That’s the paradox: knowing I’m so young, yet feeling like I’ve completely run out of time. As I celebrated my 23rd birthday in January, halfway through my second year at university, I spent my day with new-and-improved panic that my twenties were gaining ground and that I should have achieved more by now. All of a sudden, every face I was confronted with in the media was someone who was my same age, or younger, exploring their niches and showcasing their talents. Whilst Emma Chamberlain interviews media moguls at the Met Gala and Billie Eilish is halfway to an EGOT, and my friends at home have their dissertations bound on the bookshelf. At the same time, I Google what a literature review is, it’s hard not to feel like I’ve missed my chance to succeed, and like I’ve got off on the wrong foot.
But feeling shame around my age at 23 is a byproduct of existing in a rapidly moving society, and feeling like I’m always playing catch-up. Consuming a constant stream of strangers reaping the rewards of their talents and careers amplifies the societal narrative that we have to “have it all figured out”-- but behind every worthy achievement and curated post, there are setbacks, failures, and moments of uncertainty that haven’t been as Instagrammable. When I get into my head about how I’m where I should have been 4 years ago, when I originally started university down in London studying for a degree I didn’t connect with, I remind myself that with all of the choices, detours, and lessons learned, my experiences are just as valuable as any success story.
My anxiety over feeling behind is compounded by panic that I’m not measuring up to others. Whilst my lifetime-long friends navigate setting up businesses, working in politics, and changing lives within healthcare, I worry that I don’t have anything to show for it. That my life has been a constant work-in-progress, as opposed to a bundle of finished products. I find myself comparing their achievements to my own, wondering why I didn’t have it all figured out when they did. Did I miss the mark? Did I do something wrong? Did they know more than I did? But, akin to the rhetoric that there is a gotcha moment in our lives where we exclaim ‘I have it all figured out!’, and that it should come as soon as you’ve sat your last A-level, there is no linear path of development. Every comparison is based on an incomplete picture, and as life changes and develops throughout the years, so do our thoughts, mindsets, and opportunities– and that’s just how it objectively goes.
At 23, I am still in the process of figuring out what I want, what I’m passionate about, and what I hope to achieve, and being in an environment where the majority of my peers are younger than me doesn’t mean that I'm failing. Success is not one-size-fits-all, nor necessarily definable; while my friends back home are advancing, I’m learning, growing, and exploring new avenues, which doesn’t diminish my progress– it’s simply a different kind of growth. And most importantly, at 23, I still have an entire lifetime to build the life I want. 23 is not geriatric, my life is just starting.
As I navigate my education as a mature student exploring further into a world focused on urgency, I’m trying to learn that it’s okay to take my time. Rather than feeling behind, I’m choosing to embrace how hard I have worked to get to where I am, as opposed to focusing on how my hard work hasn’t seemed to get me to where I want to be like it has for my peers. I am learning more about myself, and trying to celebrate all of my victories, no matter big or small, because every step is progress.