Should we still be dating for marriage?

For much of society, marriage is the end goal when it comes to relationships. There is this huge pressure put on us to find ‘The One’ as soon as possible so that we can settle down and achieve the heteronormative goal of a perfect marriage and family. However, even though it is essential to be honest and upfront in the early stages of dating, only dating to get married can be counterproductive and create toxic situations.

We are so frequently told that we shouldn’t date people if we don’t see a future with them, but, when we are overanalysing our (potential) future with a new partner, we very quickly forget to be present in the relationship. There are so many crucial milestones that we experience when in the throes of a new relationship and it is very possible that those of us who are desperate to get married skip over these stages to arrive at the marriage part as quickly as possible. Whereas what we should be doing is taking our time and enjoying the so-called honeymoon phase before things progress.

The idea that a relationship is only successful if it ends in marriage is deeply problematic because romantic relationships form a major part of our development as they allow us to learn about ourselves and our desires. Dating teaches us what we want out of a relationship, so it is important to date different types of people to discover who we are most compatible with. 

Many relationships are simply meant to end so that we can have a better idea of what we want in the future. These breakups should therefore not be seen as failures because they show that we have realised the issues that were present and, rather than ignoring them to rush to the finish line, i.e., marriage, we are instead looking for someone with whom we are more compatible.

It is very easy to ignore red flags in relationships when we are putting so much emphasis on marriage because this desperation to get married means that we are not focussing on the present, but rather obsessing over the future. Additionally, this obsession with the future can cause us to settle with people who are not right for us, despite their glaringly obvious red flags because we think that we are in love when we’re not so that we can rush the relationship to arrive at the end-stage quicker.

Obviously, wanting to get married is a perfectly acceptable desire and this is something that we should discuss with the people that we are dating. But we mustn’t settle for someone willing to marry us even when they are clearly not right for us and understand that just because a relationship has ended, does not make it a failure.