The ‘I can fix him’ complex – where does the urge to fix people in relationships come from and why is it harmful?

If you are anything like me, the urge to “fix” people has been around since an early age, beginning with an inexplicable and concerning attraction to Rude Ralph from Horrid Henry and Draco Malfoy. Though the complex can occur in relationships of all sexualities, it is especially relevant to heterosexuality as it usually involves a woman aiming to solve her problematic boyfriend who is at best emotionally unavailable and at worse abusive. This is because the concept is fundamentally a symptom of a patriarchal society.

Firstly, it relies on gender stereotyping: girls are raised to be nurturing and maternal and boys grow up expecting this kind of treatment from every woman in their lives. The moral superiority and advanced maturity of women and girls are seen as a fact of life. Furthermore, toxic masculinity has normalised men that are incapable of emotionally opening up to anyone other than their romantic interest.

These ideas are then developed and sustained by media tropes. From Jim Stark in Rebel without a Cause to Danny in Grease to Damon Salvatore in The Vampire Diaries, we are constantly taught that Bad Boy characters are desirable. Often Bad Boys receive redemption arcs under the influence of their perfect female romantic interest (think Beauty and the Beast) so the trope in part stems from the prioritisation of male storylines and character development. This also reinforces the idea that women have a responsibility to physically and emotionally nurture men. In a real-life context, we thus believe that all men are deserving of love, care and second chances regardless of how terrible a person they may be.

The idea of romance is romanticised in society so women are putting themselves secondary to their partners for the continuation of a romantic relationship. We like the idea of having a boyfriend so much we are willing to overlook his misogyny. Plus, the concept of “fixing him” makes us feel needed as well as desired and loved. It provides a sense of fulfilment that cannot be obtained from simply being with this man because of his problematic nature.

Ultimately, you can’t fix him and nor should you wish to. This idea is outdated and harmful because it perpetuates gender stereotypes of women having a responsibility to nurture men. It is time men took on the onus of fixing the negative impacts of patriarchy themselves in order to not be a burden in their relationships. A partner should never be a project.