Beyond a chore rota: dividing the mental load fairly between you and your flatmates

Although you wouldn’t necessarily expect it in a flat share with friends, there is still a large mental load that comes from living in any house or flat with other people. You know those cute TikToks people make, where the first slide shows what one person contributed to finding and sorting out their house, then the second slide where all everyone else had to do is just turn up? That trend clearly illustrates that one person, the one on the first slide, tends to be who is carrying the entire mental load. Which isn’t to say this is a bad thing, as long as everyone pays on time and does show up exactly when they’re meant to - it can work well. However, it can also be extremely overwhelming for the person bearing the responsibility of the mental load.

So, where can you start to help? Well, the first thing to do is ask; even if they don’t want any help and would rather sort everything themselves, it can take a lot of the pressure off if they know you are open and willing to help. But if they do want help then you have to start at the beginning. When moving into a house or flat, as you’re beginning to sort out bills and rent, make sure whoever’s account rent comes from (if you aren’t allowed to pay separately) then bills should come out of someone else’s account.

But bills are not the only place the mental load comes from. If this is your first time moving out then you might not realise how much everyday work comes from just living in a place. For example, you might have to read the metre, defrost fridges/freezers, clean the dishwasher filter and add salt/rinse agent, empty the water tray from the dryer, replace blown lightbulbs, connect the Wi-Fi router, clean shower/bath/sink drains and de-limescale the kettle. If you don’t know how to do any of these, then now is the time to learn. No one will be annoyed at you for trying!

One way to spilt these up fairly would be to see what needs doing before moving into your place (for instance, if you don’t have a dishwasher, that’s one less thing to worry about) and divide jobs before you even get there. You could even divide by room if there’s a smaller number of you living there. Or if one person uses the dishwasher a lot more than others then they should volunteer to empty the filter and add the rinse agent/salt. The most important thing is to have this conversation before moving in together, especially if you’ve never lived together before.