Some of you may have read my article last year, some of you won’t have. Tldr – I am done with pressure and my fear of having sex. This doesn’t mean that I’m never scared again, just that I’m more confident in myself and recognising what I want. Having started pole, I’ve also learnt to appreciate my body for being able to do what I enjoy, which in turn has improved my physique and self-esteem; something that never hurts when you’re naked.
Another thing that stopped me from being okay with intimacy was my skin. I have eczema, which means pain, scarring, and self-consciousness. The patches on my arms and thighs, even if not red and angry, are still a visible and constant setback for me. But my partner loves and touches me however my skin is and even helps me take care of it. The way he looks at me and treats me makes me feel pretty, and this consideration of my insecurities is something I really value about him.
It’s quite funny because I’ve discovered that I do actually enjoy sex (both intercourse and other activities). My boyfriend is incredibly patient with me, and the familiarity and confidence that we have built up together mean that we aren't afraid of asking each other about stopping or trying anything. Our healthy sex life and expectations of each other have meant that my outlook on everything has definitely changed. Personally, I’ve realised that my desire for sex only comes when I have trust in the other. Everyone has different ideas about what they want and there is no judgement here, just be safe! Sex for anyone should be pain-free, enjoyable on both sides, and not scary at all.
Sex for anyone should be pain-free, enjoyable on both sides, and not scary at all.
Once I lost my virginity – which took time, failed attempts, and a lot of talking – I truly realised that there was nothing to be worried about. As much as I wasn’t fussed about actually still being a virgin at uni, I still had ideas in my head that my first time was going to be ‘getting through it.' I’m going to be honest, it’s never going to be the best sex in your life. You won’t know what works for you with intercourse even if you’ve tried every other thing under the sun; finding a position, and any techniques or toys that work for you, will take time. Don’t get frustrated at yourself or your partner if things aren’t perfect, just explore alternatives and work it out together.
And on my last point, my boyfriend and I are content if we never end up having sex again. People and libidos aren’t consistent, and there are so many different avenues nowadays to satisfy yourself. There is no shame in toys; they increase pleasure, are a brilliant option for lazy people like me, and can really help those who can’t just get off from penetrative sex or aren't comfortable with it. Though they aren’t necessary, if your intercourse partner isn’t vibing (lol) with you owning or even starting a conversation about toys, you can find someone better.
People and libidos aren’t consistent, and there are so many different avenues nowadays to satisfy yourself.
The three things I’ve found crucial to my growth with sex? Conversations, the right lube and toys, and someone who values my pleasure the same as his own.