Retrospectively, there were things I had not thought about, or assumed were normal - things like freaking out when your mum didn’t come back at the exact time she said she would and imagining the catastrophic event that must have happened. Or every time I’d cross the road I would suddenly get images of getting hit by a car flash intrusively in my mind.
As I got older, these disguised worries and fears manifested in different, often more powerful, ways. I would lie awake for hours, unable to sleep because I couldn’t stop overthinking. I’d be told by my friends and family how I ‘stress too much’ when I’d panic over homework and school deadlines. When my boyfriend broke up with me, I had panic attacks. When I subsequently met up with my ex a year on, I threw up before seeing him. If I drink coffee on an empty stomach I feel completely restless and on edge, as if I’m waiting for something bad to happen.
As I got older, these disguised worries and fears manifested in different, often more powerful, ways.
To me, these things seem normal - I would never have labelled myself an anxious person. In my head, anxious people were nervous wrecks and were shy and stuttered when trying to speak; that’s how it was always presented to me in films and shows, so I assumed because I enjoy talking to new people and can be quite confident at times, surely I cannot be categorized as anxious?
The very first time I experienced a panic attack was during lockdown. The new and unsettling feeling of being unable to breathe made me convinced I must have asthma, it didn’t even occur to me that I may have anxiety. Now that I’m twenty, I’m a lot more aware, and a lot more tired. The constant overthinking, the tense muscles and sleepless nights are all a part of the daily routine. I’ll assume my flatmates despise me if their tone is slightly off, I’ll push myself to get everything on my to-do list done and if I fail I’ll be in a state of panic and I’m constantly observing people’s body language and tone to determine how they are feeling or what they are thinking.
A couple of months ago things transgressed after a traumatic experience, which resulted in twenty-hour-long panic attacks. For days I’d be in a constant state of anxiety - I would go to the cinema and have to leave, I would go to A & E in fear I was having a heart attack and I would try everything from meditation to massages to calling helplines in an attempt to calm me down. And yet, despite my efforts, I would still wake up at 3 am unable to breathe, feeling like the world was suffocating and closing in around me.
It was a horrible experience, and one I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. That feeling, where suddenly it's as if your heart has stopped and your lungs have collapsed, is one that only made me panic more, and what was worse was there seemed to be no specific trigger and they would happen at random.
Eventually the attacks eased off, I don’t really know how or why but one day they just stopped. But since then I still sometimes feel the anxiousness creep in, hidden in the shadows it every so often emerges, ready to take over my mind and everyday life. I like to think that the anxiety I feel is a separate entity to me, I don’t see myself as an anxious person, but I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t admit that there are times where those feelings of dread and worry take over.
I like to think that the anxiety I feel is a separate entity to me
If it has taught me anything, it’s that everyone will feel anxious at some point in their lives and it will manifest in different ways. It doesn’t mean you’re unstable or are insane. Sometimes your brain is just hard on you for no reason, but it doesn’t mean you have to be hard on yourself.